Paranoid

I tend to be paranoid at times. Sometimes about the strangest things. I just like having set answers and knowing for certain. If something is up in the air my mind starts racing, thinking up all the possibilities that could happen, fretting about certain possibilities that I don't necessarily like. Its a stressful world, this paranoid one.

My body hasn't been normal lately. I just haven't been feeling good, things haven't been working like they normally do, and it's been frustrating. My body has hurt in some form for almost 2 weeks. I finally went to the doctor on Friday, got some medication, and things were starting to look up. Until Monday.

I'm on birth control. Not really shocking, I know, because that seems to be the norm these days. The way it works is you have the certain amount of the pink pills, and then there are 4 white pills, giving your body the time to do its monthly cycles. My "monthly cycle" usually starts by the 2nd white pill when things are normal. Monday was the second pill and by Monday night I was crying because I thought I was pregnant. No period.

I panicked. I honestly believed I was pregnant. I had had dreams a couple weeks ago about being pregnant, and I was sure those dreams were trying to tell me something. I started budgeting in my brain, knowing there wouldn't be enough, and calculating 9 months from now and how much I could save. I started thinking about all the 2 bedrooms we have been looking at, knowing for sure we would need it now. I had a mini-melt down if you will. I cried. I blamed Rob. I was mad. Very mad. Very mad at all those people who assured me birth control was effective, without mentioning that 1%. Of course, with my luck, I would be that 1%. And it didn't help that Rob and I love watching those shows. You know, the ones where they had no idea they were pregnant until the baby. I have started to feel more weight coming on, I thought. And well, I have been eating more I guess. It was getting ridiculous.

I couldn't sleep. It was my turn to pray, but in my state of emotion I just couldn't muster one out. So I told Rob to pray, and through tears, told him to pray there is no baby. I hope you read that last line carefully. I told Rob to pray to our Heavenly Father, begging there to be no baby. I'm laughing now just thinking back on that.

So Rob prayed. He prayed telling Heavenly Father that we couldn't afford a baby, that we need more time to save, and that a baby just isn't part of our plan. Rob hesitated throughout the prayer. You could just tell he knew the prayer was stupid.

Tuesday afternoon while we were at school we started talking about the baby incident, how we both felt, and we all the sudden burst out laughing. Who the heck prays to Heavenly Father telling Him how the plan will work?? Who prays that there wont be a baby, because quite frankly, its just not part of the plan? Please Heavenly Father, please respect our plans, because we know better? We couldn't stop laughing.

I'm happy to report that there is no baby, although I am sure you have guessed that already. My paranoid little attack surely was evidence enough that the emotional cycle would be coming shortly. I did get a pregnancy test just for peace of mind, however, because I just had to put it to rest. No baby.

I'm just not sure if we should thank Heavenly Father that our prayers were answered, or we should be scared. We are now resulting to knocking on wood, praying for things not to happen is just too risky.