What A Funny Combination

I know I shouldn't be blogging right now.

Mainly because I have never experienced this sort of exhaustion before.

And also because I know this type of exhaustion is only going to bring out the emotional parts of me.

Both those things aside, maybe this is exactly how Mozart became the genius that he was... Exhaustion.

Maybe this sort of exhaustion just brings out the genius that we cover up with meaningless chores and activities.

Instead, when I should be sleeping, I have been soothing a crying baby who is now finally nursing and hopefully realizing that the lights are off in the house... which means it's bedtime.

I guess we are still working on that one.

I honestly don't think he cares whether its light or dark. I think he just makes up his own time schedule.

This past month has been hard. Really hard.

I am not about to follow suit and have one of those blogs where I only tell everything positive about my life because I am ashamed to write about what's real to me... Or ashamed to admit that my life isn't perfect.

I actually marvel in my imperfections.

I feel like they build character.

What is real to me right now though, is the fact that no one, and I mean no one, is lying when they say that Motherhood is the hardest job on the planet.

Every bit of selfishness that I have ever held on to is slowly being sifted out of my being.. and in the process I am seeming to hold to it even tighter.

I never cared about alone time.. Now I want it more than ever.

I never noticed how long my showers were.. Now I almost time them just to make sure I have at least 10 min. of hot water to calm me.

Food came and went.. Now I almost fantasize about my meals because I want to be able to eat with two hands.

No one tells you about these things.

Most likely because most of us would scare too easily.

Last week I was having most likely the toughest week of this whole month...

Although.. This week is not completely over, so I probably shouldn't jinx things.

I think the hardest part of this whole thing is being able to settle my brain and just sit and cuddle this little person, as dumb as that may sound to some.

As I sit, I stare at the laundry, or I think about all the things I could be doing.. Or I plan out how next time I could be more productive based on my placement of my computer or my books... or the stupid pen that I can never fully reach without waking baby.

It just seemed like with everything I was doing, I was thinking about things I could be doing instead that would be better than whatever it was I was doing at that moment.

I was so excited for the end of the week because Sister Beck, the General Relief Society President, was coming and doing a Women's Conference for all the women in the Rexburg/Rigby area.

I just felt I needed to be there.

I should have sat down right afterward and wrote down my feelings, but the conference touched me so deeply that it hasn't really left my mind since.

It was a question and answer type of thing, something I have never been to when dealing with someone of her stature.

Women were able to ask whatever question they wanted, just as long as it wasn't too personal and could be applied to many women within the congregation.

I don't remember the actual question that I should be referring to right now, but I will quote Sister Beck in her response...

"Having children is not a lifestyle choice, it's a gospel choice."

And then she went on to kick me in the butt.

So here I am, at 1am, with the sweetest little baby in my arms.. crying my eyes out.

It's going to be another long night.. Meaning I will most likely sleep most the day with him tomorrow.. Meaning that pile of laundry next to my bookcase will remain untouched for the 3rd day in a row..

He was crying for a good portion of the night so far, upset by something.. But is now finally eating..

This couch is comfortable, but I am certainly tired of using it... and all I can think about right now is Sister Beck's comment.

And this is where I have to remind myself..

This little spirit is the most important thing right now.

I am in the process of raising a future leader in the church, a future parent, a future missionary..

The work I do in this home is the most important work that there is.

No wonder they call this the hardest job on the planet.. because it is by far the most important when we put life in the proper perspective.

I honestly don't think I have prayed this much in my entire life.. because I feel like I need the Lord more now than I ever have..

Him and my Mother.

And sure.. The hour probably has something to do with it.. or the lack of sleep.. or the hormonal imbalance...

But I cannot stop crying as I stare at the most beautiful face I have ever seen.

A face that literally captures my heart every time I see it.

This is literally the hardest job on this planet, and yet, I have never loved anything more than I love this little guy.

And putting those two in the same sentence still makes me laugh.

We drive ourselves crazy with everything that raising a baby entails, and yet, we wouldn't trade it for the world.

You get peed on, pooped on, pajamas are your new favorite outfit, showers are like the day spa, getting your hair out of the ponytail is an accomplishment..

And yet, we would all do it all over again in a heartbeat.

What a funny combination.