Pick on Someone Your Own Size

I am convinced that the devil is trying to get me. Laugh all you want, but I know he is watching my every move, waiting for the appropriate time to attack. He has caught me a few times in the past month, but it ends today. Devil, you are done for.

They say that when you are preparing for something great, you have to deal with the adversary. Its like the saying that when you stick your head above the crowd, you tend to be the first to get it cut off. I have known this for awhile, seen people struggle, but have never experienced it for myself at this strength. It is easy to confuse the devil with anger, fear, grouchiness, etc., and so I never thought anything of it. Just because the devil has caught someone with something concerning chastity, doesn't mean he will catch everyone that way, and since we haven't had an extreme problem with that I just figured we were on the home stretch. That just tends to be the common trend with people preparing for marriage. That just seems to be what gets people the most. Not true for everyone. Anger seems to be how he gets me. Anger or exhaustion, or fear... anything of that sort seems to be his way of weaseling in where he doesn't belong.

I was listening to Dr. Laura and she was talking to a struggling couple. I love when she does that and brings them both on so you feel like you are getting the full story. It makes me feel like I'm sitting in on marital counseling, training myself for my dream career. I don't entirely remember the problem, just that it was one of those problems that was meaningless but yet was the cover for something of meaning... I know that doesn't make sense, but just go with me. I also remember there being money problems, and there must have been children involved as well. They battled with Dr. Laura for a bit and you could tell she was getting frustrated, but then she finally broke. She broke and was silent and just simply said, "Why are you two not clinging to each other?" They were silent in return because they didn't have a reasonable answer to this. She then made them recite why they fell in love, or fun acts of kindness they had done for each other over the years, helping their hearts to soften. She parted with a similar statement, "The world is tough and complicated and there will be things that try and pull you two apart, but you should constantly be clinging to each other." For not being LDS, Dr. Laura secretly knows a lot about the devil and his craving to end marriages and relationships, just as long as it has to do with breaking up a family.

No, I haven't slowly been turning from Rob, but there have been moments when I get this feeling of just wanting to be alone. There are times when I find myself thinking that life is just so much easier without a partner. There are also times I find myself fearful of everything marriage is about, some thoughts coming into my brain that I know for a fact shouldn't be there, and I know for a fact are not my own. I have seen this happen with people on their way to baptism, I have seen it with young men leaving for missions, and now I am a first-hand witness of it happening to someone on their way to the temple. I swear he is after me, making me tired.. making me feel like there is way too much to do and no time to do it.. making me feel like single life is much better than married life.. making me feel like there will never be enough money so why even try. He is making it so I only want to cling to myself, and what a lonely and boring life that would be. He is making it so I will only trust myself, making me extremely unhappy and unproductive because I cannot do it all on my own. He wants me to be alone. He wants me to look at the temple emotionless, and he wants me to look at life in the same view. He wants me to wake up tired.. he wants me to not finish tasks, making my days feel that much more exhausting, and then leading me to anger and disappointment. He wants me to judge. He wants me to speak ill of others. He feeds off of my negativity, and it wasn't until last night that this was all blatantly clear.

On Sunday the sign-up came around for a temple trip. I nudged Rob hinting that we should sign up, and sure enough when the sign up came to us for Priesthood holders, there weren't any on the list. Rob put his name down, and I made sure to put it on the calendar because we wanted to go to the temple. Last night was temple night. Last night was also a night where even before the drive to the temple started we were getting on each other for something. Honestly, it was very unimportant when I think back on it, but both of us were passionate about what we were saying and it literally came out of nowhere. I was sad, he was sad, we both were silent after saying things we didn't mean, and Rob blamed the argument on Yoga because just last week this same thing happened and it just so happened to be on the way to Yoga. I sat there for a second, honestly questioning if Yoga was creating conflict, when it hit me. The Devil. Last week was my meeting with the Bishop for my Temple Recommend, and this week was the Temple. He is creating stress, and we are letting him. In his all too sly way, he has managed to disguise himself as stress, or fear, or whatever else he can muster, all having to do with conflict. He is magnifying my faults, making me feel unworthy of the temple and of marriage. This cannot happen any longer. People always say things like "engagements are stressful" or "planning a wedding is a lot of work" or "weddings always bring out the best in people." Sure, these are all valid arguments, but they all point back to the devil and his zest to end families and create conflict around the world.

So thank you Devil. Thank you so much for creating such an incredible month for me. Thank you for reminding me of the joys that comes from being single. Thank you for making me feel I cant do anything right lately, those negative thoughts are making so I don't want to do anything at all, making me less productive than the Lord would like me to be. Thank you for playing off my need for to-do lists and action items, magnifying my anxiety and making it worse now than its ever been. Thank you for bringing out our frustrations. And thank you for not being smart enough to catch us completely. We see you now. We are aware what you have been doing, and you wont be doing it any longer. I might slip, I might let you squeeze in for a second or two in the next couple weeks, but that is all the time you are allowed. It ends today Devil. I will be nicer, I will be more sensitive to your motives, and I will be getting married in the Temple whether you fight me or not. Because I don't want to be alone. I want Rob right next to me, us clinging to each other to fight off your battles. I want that support, and I want the blessing of an eternal family with the one I am crazy about. Thank you for trying, but go pick on someone your own size.