The Patience Lesson

Sometimes I make deals with myself, little cautions if you will, to encourage myself not to write about some life happenings on here. Obviously there are things about our life that you most likely don't want to hear about, no matter how frustrating or funny it may be. So I make little deals with myself so I am not tempted to let these happenings loose on the internet. I want to be honest on here, I want to tell things as they happen, but knowing that the entire world could potentially read... It makes you filter through your life. 

Then there are the things I don't write on here for the shear purpose that I feel I am jinxing myself. Like if I write and complain, then surely it will not happen since the web universe is now informed. 

I say this with caution because I am about to break one of my rules. To my defense, I need the luck of the internet... or the internet people.... or just the bloggers who tune into my little life.. To help put those positive thoughts out in the world. I need lots of positive thoughts, lots of positive prayers.. and just even a moment dedicated to me. It doesn't need to be a big moment, just one that would tell Heavenly Father.. "Hey, this girl really does need your help." Coming from all you, He might grant me some lenience. 

I need a job!!

There, I said it... I need a job. I want one, and I need one as well. I cannot look at these walls for much longer. I need out in the world, out with real people besides Rob and the people in the grocery store lines. I need to work. I am a hard worker. I get the job done, no matter what it is. I need to see paychecks again. I need to feel like I am actually doing my part as the provider. I now see why women aren't bred to do this sort of thing, we are way too emotional about it. 

And it's not like I am just sitting around waiting for the job to come to me. I am getting out there, applying for the things available.. interviewing when given the opportunity.. and now I just wait. I hate to wait. 

I need a job. I don't care if this jinxes my chances by saying these thoughts out loud, all I care is that I get to express them. I need one, I want one.. Help.

I hate seeing our money disappear.. In fact, you know its getting bad when tonight I actually considered living by candlelight. Sun by day, candles by night... because, you know, that would help our savings tremendously. Surely people somewhere do it, like Amish people... and they are somewhat normal.. right?

We are being smart with our money, we are trying to be careful.. but I want the number we had when we were first married. I want the number to stop shrinking and start rising, and that wont even come close to happening unless I get a job. I am raised to save, so maybe I should just blame this all on my parents. 

Send some good thoughts up to heaven for me. I need more support with this one than I originally planned for. 

I do better with a pact schedule. I do better with school and work and the social intertwined.. School actually gets finished when I have work.. I thought I would enjoy the opportunity to focus on one, but its like I am not functioning normal with a free schedule. It's like my body only works normal in the stressed mode, the mode where you only have 2 hours a day to do homework. Thats the mode I am used to. 

At least for the time being I am getting the opportunity to perfect my talents.. like cooking.. and possibly knitting once that needle doesn't intimidate me. 

Just let Heavenly Father know that I might be going crazy soon, so this "lesson of patience" thing that we have going here is ok to be finished.