He's Got Things Covered

Tomorrow marks the first day of September, and with the wedding on the 19th, I will be blogging religiously this month because there will be plenty of things going on. The wedding is in 18 days. Only 18 days. There have been moments of this engagement period that have gone quickly, and then there are moments that go slower than snails. This past month has sped past, and I have a feeling that's what the next 18 days will be like too. I just want to enjoy it, and to remember all of this, and to soak it all in...

These past couple of weeks Rob and I have been taking temple preparation classes on Sunday during Sunday school. Obviously it is review for Rob, but some of the things we have been discussing are entirely foreign to me. Its amazing how you can be taught to prepare for the temple all your life, but yet be completely blind sided with what you are about to experience. I try not to make those funny confused faces in class, because I feel like I'm the only one hearing these things for the first time, and I would hate to give that away. Its a small class, at max, 4 people. Thankfully they call on us mainly to read scriptures or quotes, and I make sure to pipe in when I actually know something... Best advice I have been given? Go in ready to feel the spirit, not ready to understand everything going on around you. Prophets still learn things when they enter the temple, and I have a lifetime to learn things in the temple, so the first time should be dedicated to knowing and feeling that I am in the House of the Lord and trying to grasp exactly what that means to me personally. The first time through is for feeling Gods love for me, and trying to let the importance of what I am doing sink in. The first time through is not for thinking hard, or pulling symbols apart, it is for feeling and absorbing. When I think of it like that, I cannot wait to go. I cannot wait to feel that love and that peace that is so reverently spoken of. I get chills just thinking about what I am about to experience, especially when I think of the sealing room. I can already tell you I will be a mess. Although, I could be extremely joyful too.. either extreme. Regardless I will have to invest in some good waterproof mascara.

I got my Temple Recommend on Sunday. I was so happy to show my grandparents and parents.. Me being the oldest, I was happy to start the trend of worthiness. Its better than the speeding ticket one. President Zundell made the meeting so enjoyable. He wanted to meet with both of us, and he was the first person to give us marital advice. It seems like everyone else just wants to make sure we are worthy, but President Zundell wanted to make sure we knew how to be incredible spouses. While Rob was in the room he was mainly directing his words toward him, and I just sat and listened. Watching Rob, for some reason, made me excited to marry him. I don't know why, I guess it was his interaction with President Zundell, or his comments.. maybe it was the fact that he was actually an adult sitting there, or that he was addressing him like a returned missionary would. It seems strange to say, but I was actually the girl in the situation, not that I haven't been before, but there was no need for me to talk. He had things covered. I don't know how else to explain it, except that he was handling things and all I had to do was smile. I cant tell you how much I have wanted that. I know it sounds silly to all of you, and I know I am not explaining it correctly, but it was refreshing to sit and just be silent. I didn't have to pull us, I didn't have to prompt answers, I didn't have to talk on behalf of anyone.. He had things covered. He is a pretty capable man, and I am just beginning to learn what exactly "man" means. President Zundell read a scripture that spoke of what Robs role would be in the marriage, then he mentioned that my role was to make sure he could do his. My role is to be gracious and nice so that he can treat me well. My role is to support and honor his priesthood so that he can. I'm pretty much the supporter, making sure he can do his job. We have this thing that I am constantly working on. When we are at a restaurant, I always talk first. It sounds simple and unimportant, but its a small act of taking away his manhood. I have had to practice not talking, letting him greet and letting him be the one to take control, instead of me jumping to that position automatically. Sitting in that office on Sunday, I was starting to understand how to let him take control and how to let him be the leader and how to just sit and listen and be silent. I want him to have the patriarchal role of our family, and in order to do that, sometimes I just have to sit and listen and just be silent. He has things covered. He is capable of incredible things. He is such a hard worker. He is a man, and I need to give him every opportunity to be the incredible man that he is. I can be that supporter that President Zundell spoke of. I can be gracious and kind and let him take the lead.. but only because he's got things covered.

Tai Chi

We started our Tai Chi class this past Monday, not really knowing what to expect, just that we needed PE credits. The class is almost 2 hours in length, giving you plenty of time to dive into the motions. Same length as our Yoga class, allowing for a decent amount of meditation. Meditation seems to be at the core of both of these experiences, and its something that takes awhile to master, mainly due to the noise we feel on a daily basis. Its nice. Its nice to be able to clear your thoughts and focus on your breathing, while doing some pretty ridiculous moves. With a room full of silence and slow breathing and difficult postures, it was hard not to laugh as I looked over at my Prince Charming and his serious meditative state. That face is priceless, making the hours well worth it.

Tai Chi. Tai Chi is something most people don't understand. I didn't even fully understand it before entering the classroom. I just thought it was that strange movement older people do in parks, while looking like they are moving in slow motion. Not saying that I am all the sudden converted to Tai Chi and think its the best thing in the world, because honestly I still find it strange... but the theories behind it are what makes it interesting. Tai Chi and Yoga and all those other meditative exercise out there, they are all about meditation and searching deep within you to find peace. Our teacher, in his explanation of the course, defined Tai Chi as being the "Softening of the heart." It is the process of slowing down your movements and rather than just being, you are constantly aware of your body and your emotions. This is how we should all be approaching life, with a wonder and a curiosity to how our emotions work and how to find peace in every action we take. I think this Tai Chi thing will be good for us, helping us to learn how to slow down. Or rather, to help me slow down. Take deep breaths. Enjoy each moment. Find peace.

First Week of School

This week marks the first week of our Fall 2009 semester, last one being at community college, and I think it's safe to say that we are both very grateful for that. It's an interesting semester so far, mainly because of the beautiful economy we are living in. I didn't think much of it before going to school on Monday, but when looking at the campus and the classrooms it suddenly hit me. Budgets are tighter, therefore admissions for this fall were lower than ever.. meaning more students had to stay at community college because they couldn't get into a University. Budgets are tighter, therefore high school seniors aren't wanting to pay incredible tuition... meaning more students are at community college because it is the more affordable option. Budgets are tighter, therefore classes are larger.. meaning professors are being forced to add an excessive amount of students to cater toward the changes, and not many are willing to do that, making it more difficult to get the classes you need.

So far we have only had one minor problem with Mr. B getting into his math class. Our justification was the fact that Idaho took him without math being a requirement for entry, so it will just have to be something taken care of there. Troublesome and annoying, but what can you do when there are classes of 60 and you are trying to see if the teacher will take just one more student? Grading will be a nightmare this year. I feel sorry for them.

Thankfully this will be a very interesting semester for us both. You see, I have been doing an online program through Indiana University. The way this program works is that there has to be 90 units completed at the community college, and 30 units through their program. Up until this semester I had an extra 10 units to be completed at Saddleback, of which I have been putting off for awhile. No requirements as to what these units needed to be, just that I needed 10 more. So what would you do if given this situation? You are going to be newly married, homework, work, busy schedules, trying to save as much as possible before a big move, wanting to have some quality time together... So instead of doing the seperate lives while going to school thing, we decided to take all our classes together. We figured it would give us something to work toward together while being able to see each other on a daily basis.. and the competition will surely earn us both good grades. Its the only time we will be able to do this, seeing as Mr. B will be at BYU and me home at my computer, so we thought it would be a good experience for us both and something that we should take advantage of.

Our classes? Tai-Chi, Yoga, Cultural Anthropology, Political Science, Introduction to Psychology, Mr. B is then taking World History online, and I will be doing a Religion course online. It should be a good semester, and certainly something we are enjoying doing together. We are looking forward to every class so far, each teacher presenting good information for what the semester should entail, but we are most enjoying our Tai-Chi class. Certainly more about that later...

This entry is more of an informative one, mainly because I havent posted anything in a bit and just wanted to update on our school adventure. Not to say that my mind hasnt been running with interesting insight, that is just being saved for another day.

Joy

"the most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. this inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. it is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life."

--sir hugh walpole

Creative Genius

I am starting to get into the zone of creating things, knowing full well that sometimes that is the better option for our bank account. Although, in many cases it almost costs more to make something.. but that's besides the point. I want to create things for the home we don't have because I want to make it a nice and comfortable home, even though I have no idea what it will look like or what feel I want to have or where it will be because we don't know where we are living... Home-like, that's really all I can seem to muster. Anyways, creativity is sometimes hard for me so I tend to be the person who just steals ideas from other people and then I claim them as my own, but I have no problem admitting to that. There are lots like me in the world, so I owe it to you creative geniuses because you make me look good. My new fetish? Take a peek...

You can see how she got this incredible display by checking out her blog here. I just am so obsessed with this. It fills up the entire wall, creates a focal point for the room and is just plain cute! I have already started in hopes that our apartment will be happy to have our faces on its walls...

No, its not as cool as hers yet, but I am getting there. I need mine to be warmer instead of on the cool side. I will have to play around with this new program and will let you know how this works. Just a fun idea to make a wall bright and fun without spending a ton of money. Thank you creative genius out there, you will make my home more home-like.

Grumpy

Sometimes it bothers me that this journal is online for the time being. When I'm frustrated or just wanting to release words, I then am reminded of all the people who read these entries, and I think about what they might say about my feelings or the judgements they might make. People tend to jump to conclusions and this is a precaution I must consider before I write my thoughts down, rather than just being able to have the luxury and freedom of thought flow from my brain.... There is beauty when those words are closed up on your shelf, hiding from the world and only known to you. Its bothersome that people expect humans to always be filled with positive thinking, that when one moment of frustration comes and you just want to rant and rave and complain, all the sudden you are assumed to be an unhappy person who is unhappy with everything in life, not just that moment or that certain issue. I just want to be unhappy for one moment without someone thinking I'm not grateful for my life or for all my many blessings or that I all the sudden don't care altogether, because I am grateful and I do care. I am so grateful. I sometimes care way too much and I just get scared. I get scared and I'm exhausted and my life feels like a complete cluttered mess and I just want to be grumpy. Happy people can be depressed for one day, even if its just over something stupid and small and full of nothingness. Happy people can frown for just a moment, so please, just give me my moment.

Support

Bridal Showers. I have been to a few in my lifetime and don't really remember what the Brides were like or what exactly happened. I just remember conversing with everyone there and being excited to catch up with people, the Bride being just an excuse to get together.

My Bridal Shower was no different. In fact, I felt kind of left out while I had to sit there and open presents and everyone was talking and catching up. There were so many people who came so far to celebrate this moment with me, and so many old friends who I hadn't seen in ages... but who will always be dear to my heart. I just wish I could have chatted with each and every one of them and caught up to see how everyone is doing and what is new in their lives. I just love catching up and hearing the stores.

Of course, regardless of feeling like I would rather be chatting with friends, the presents were incredible! Not only did tons of people come from far off places, but they were so generous, leaving Rob and I to get creative on where we will store this all. I was just amazed! I got everyones attention toward the beginning of the endless amounts of torn wrapping paper, and I honestly almost got emotional as I thanked them all for coming to celebrate me. It was such an honor to sit and receive their support and love, and to see them all coming together for me. Sure, I know they probably enjoyed the chatter just as I much as I did when attending those types of events, but just having them in the room made me feel nothing but love. I wish I could express how much that support means to me. This is what makes events like this exciting, receiving the love and support from Family & Friends. Feeling love from them in that room last night was a very powerful feeling, a very motivating feeling. Thank you to all of you who came and made last night such a special one! Now, you just have to promise you will all come to the wedding and dance like crazy!

This is Real

I love weddings. I have loved the entire experience when looking from a distance. I love the temple, I love the blessings that the temple brings, and I love the idea that you could be with the love of your life for all of eternity. I always imagined that if it was the right person, that length would sometimes not seem long enough. I love the party, and the celebrations that come. I just love that family gathers and everyone gets so excited for the couple starting on their journey together. Friends come to support the couple, everyone dances, the wedding food and cake that are so well known. I just love weddings.

Well, now its my turn. I am not watching from a distance. I am the one who is being celebrated and everything I thought I would feel in this moment has been completely magnified. I knew I would be excited, I just didn't know it would be like this. I knew I would be in love and googly eyed, and somewhat retarded when it came to that, but I honestly didn't know it would be this good. I didn't know it would feel this good. I didn't know I would get emotional possibly every day with just the thought of what is in store for me and all the blessings I will be able to receive. I didn't know I would love weddings this much. I didn't know it would be this comfortable.. this easy.. this wonderful. When picturing my perfect day, when picturing my husband.. I honestly did not know it would be this perfect. I knew Heavenly Father would bless me. I knew He would make sure my eternal companion would be just what I needed. Its just that, in this moment, right here and now, looking forward to that perfect day, I had no idea my life would be perfectly crafted for me. I imagined how things would turn out, and then when I look at how things are coming together, I cannot believe I ever saw it working out differently. He has perfectly crafted my life in a design better than I ever imagined, and yes, this is a great lesson of trust in my Savior. I never imagined supportive family and friends like the ones I have. I never imagined the love and the generosity of those around me and their willingness to help create a seamless event. My mother has far exceeded my expectations, although I should have at least known that part. But most importantly, I had no idea of the power of real affection and adoration. To be in the midst of this makes me incredibly grateful for the choices I have made in life that brought me here. Rob came to me when I least expected him to, and even though I knew my Husband would be everything I needed, I had no idea he would be this good to me. This is real. This is actually my life, something I am experiencing and not just standing on the sidelines for. I am here. I am adored by someone with whom I adore more than I am able to express. I am getting married. I am actually getting married and I am so overwhelmed with joy and appreciation and love and adoration and joy... Let the wedding festivities begin.

Life is so beautiful

Today is Friday. Today is Friday and my car is not filled with clothes and toiletries. I am not counting down hours and looking at the clock frantically, debating how much traffic there will be today. I am not stressing over all the things I didn't get done, that I wont be able to get done due to the fact that we have too much fun together. I don't have to live out of a suitcase this weekend, hoping that I packed for the right weather conditions. I actually get to see Rob without having to drive very far. I could even call him right now, begging for a kiss, and depending on what he is doing, get one within the next 10 minuets. I get to sleep in my own bed, and even though we haven't been getting more sleep like we thought we would, I know come Monday morning I wont be in that weird zombie mode that you get in when you only get 3 hours of sleep. My face might actually stop breaking out this week without that. I don't have to drive far. I get to see him 15 min. after I get off work. No one has to leave come Sunday night. No tears when driving away. No grumpy Monday behaviors. Life is so beautiful.

Oh, What A Beautiful Life

I've had an interesting week. I wish I could go into details without making myself sound crazy, so let's just leave it at interesting. Yes, happiness is in order... Rob moved down last Saturday and I couldn't be more pleased to have him so close. I am already looking back at the many months of commuting and can't believe we did it for that long and we actually stayed pretty calm throughout. Rob will most likely laugh when he reads that last sentence because I can actually remember many times when I was anything but calm while sitting in hours of traffic just wanting to be done and with him like normal couples. He however, can stay calm much more often than I can in those situations. So to say I am happy about his move, I think, is an understatement. Last night he sat in on his first wedding meeting and he has been with me on my day of errands, laughing that I can do so much in one day. He went to institute with me on Tuesday night, and come Friday neither of us have to get in a car and drive somewhere. I think that's when it will finally hit me completely. I just love having him here.

My interesting week doesn't involve Rob though, strangely enough. He has been among the actions of my days, but the interesting week steams from my thoughts and the insight that has come to me lately. I love when that happens. I love those new ideas and behavior traits that come to my mind, making me want to change and improve myself because we should always be improving and trying to do better and be better. That's one thing I love about this gospel, is the idea of change and the hope for something better always around the corner. Its silly to think we should be the same person throughout our entire life, that we should just reach a certain point of growth and stop, but yet some people, possibly without knowing it, do in fact reach that point. There is that saying, "You cant teach an old dog new tricks." I honestly don't believe that's true. I do not believe you reach a certain point in life where it is impossible to learn new things, or change bad behaviors. I believe it is the human mind that tricks us into thinking this is true. Its the natural man that tells us we cannot do better, so you shouldn't try. Well, I personally believe in always trying. I believe in the constant improvement of character and refinement because nothing can be perfect in this life. In institute on Tuesday a boy phrased this nicely. He said that in the translation of the bible, when in Greek, the word perfect doesn't mean what we think it means. It means the constant improvement toward perfection. There is always room for growth.

My point in all this? People can change. That is, if they set their mind to do just that. The mind is such a powerful thing and though it takes some work, it is possible to push harder and strive to do and be more than you are at this exact moment, regardless of what moment in life you are at. I know at 85, if I'm still stubborn as all else, that I can still try each day to do just the opposite, hoping and praying that at some point it will kick in. Sounds crazy, sounds like a lot of work, but that is the beauty of transformation and that is the beauty of the atonement. I realized while sitting in institute on Tuesday night that the atonement helps me change and the atonement helps me improve, no matter what it is that I want improvement on. It just sort of hit me when I was sitting there, practically mesmerized at Brother Hobbins and his wisdom. We were talking about worry and how much that clouds our vision to become better people. How we can constantly, no matter what age, be worried or scared about something. We could think about the unknown until we are blue in the face, getting more and more terrified, but how will we know unless we make that leap of faith? Its that worry and anxiety that can paralyze us from that transformation and refinement that I was previously speaking of. We can worry that we aren't smart enough, we aren't pretty enough, we don't have enough money, we don't have the best car, our children aren't perfect, we are not as perfect as the person next to us, my actions aren't ever enough, someone always does it better than me, why can't it just be easy for me... I mean, the list goes on and on, and if you really sit and think about it, worry consumes a good majority of our days. It might not be clear at first, but when you really analyze your thoughts, like I tend to do more often than not, you would be surprised by how much you let others define how you feel and how you think. I let that worry consume my thoughts daily, I'll admit that. I know for a fact I let people control how I feel at times, but I have the ability to change. I have the ability to improve. I have the ability to choose how I will "act" toward people, and not let those actions of others bring "re-actions" out of me. I have the ability to use the atonement to conquer those fears of mine and worry no longer. Its that leap of faith, and that faith that change is possible, and through those characteristics, nothing but power comes. You can teach an old dog new tricks, and we should always be improving those tricks of ours, making sure that we are constantly striving to be and do better. My Grandpa said something in a financial discussion that I have been applying to all areas of life. You should be happy with what you have, but want for more. You should be happy with what you've got, happy with your talents and your body and your mind and your possessions and your financial status, but you should always be striving for more. You should always be educating yourself and improving your skills. You should always be striving to be a better person, but happy with where you are at right in this moment. I am happy with what I have, with what I have been given, and with where my life is at, but I will strive to be better and I will always want more for myself. I know I am powerful. I know I am capable of great things. Change is powerful. The Lord is powerful. Oh, what a beautiful life.