I don't know what my problem has been lately. It might have to do with the numerous pregnant bellies I see on a daily basis, or just the babies I see in general... But last night I actually cried for children.
It was late, I was tired, and odd things tend to happen to me when I get tired... but I actually cried about it. I still can't believe that.
I dont know how to explain it, or even how I could make it make sense to someone other than myself... But this whole concept of "Motherhood" has only gotten more appealing to me since moving here.
I guess I should blame Idaho.
Of course, Rob pointed out all the realistics of raising children.. my Mother has pointed out a few things as well.. but this isnt about reality at the moment.
I guess it is just like Grandpa when he wanted to build that boat. It wasnt ever about the actual building of it. It was the research and planning that excited him. Did he ever build the boat? No, but he has gone on to plan and discover and map out things he would like to do instead.. and that's what is the most inticing.
I think its the mapping, the planning, the looking forward to, that appeals to me right now.
But it is also those precious faces, their smiles, their first laughs and steps.. the way they look at you when they get in trouble.. the way they get excited when you finally "rescue" them from school... family togetherness.. teaching them to pray.. cooking for them.. teaching them everything you wish you knew... seeing those precious faces for the first time... holding them when they cry.. and nothing, not even screaming children, can take this longing away from me. I not only look forward to the good, but the bad as well.. that's what completes Motherhood in my mind.
But no matter the planning, the looking forward to, the mapping... Reality always does sink in in the end, and I am reminded of the two years ahead of us.
At the moment, two years seems like an eternity.
I just want to see those precious faces.
6 comments:
You are NOT alone in feeling this way!! We were expecting this last year but lost our baby. Ever since all I can think about is babies babies babies. BUT there are things we have to do and time we have to wait before it can happen again and not to mention I am scared to death! lol I constantly feel the impatience of having to wait but hang in there because the lord has a plan for all of us! :) I love your blog! you are SO awesome!!
oh honey...there is nothing like it, I will grant you that...but they don't ever go away...soooooo....be patient (i know, you HATE that word) but there it is. I can't wait to see those faces too, all in good time!
When Scott and I got married I had about 1 1/2 years left of school and we wanted to wait until I was done. I remember sitting in church one sunday and scott leaning over and saying, "you know, if you got pregnant right now, you'd be graduating about the time the baby came." All of a sudden, it was real. And it scared the crap out of me! The "idea" of kids was great. The reality was scary. So just keep loving the "idea"!
oh my goodness! i have definitely had moments like these!
oh my goodness! i have definitely had moments like these!
I love my son more than anything but it has been really hard to be in law school with a baby. However, it is possible to do it if you really want to. BYU-Idaho does strange things to you. My roomates and I all thought we were never going to get married because we were 19 and not married. Then I left and realized WTH, Idaho made me crazy.
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