I Honestly Dare You

It is funny how 24 hours can alter things so drastically.

Even just a couple hours actually... One moment you can be fine, then you get a phone call.. news.. door rings.. whatever it might be.. and in that moment everything can change instantly.

And typically, if you are analyzing the situation to that point, its always for the worse..

No one ever talks about how things instantly change for the better.

Well.. Maybe they do.. But not very often..

Anyways.. The point is..

The point is that I am at a crossroads.

I am at a crossroads and I cannot believe I even cried about it because I swore, yes I really did swear, that I wouldn't.

It was a good cry though.. Like, a really good cry. The kind that takes everything out of you to the point where when you finally calm yourself down you realize that even if someone died in front of you, there would be nothing left for them.. Not even one tear.

Heartless, I know.. But we have all been there.

Then when that good cry is over you sit thinking about what the heck started it in the first place.. or where the tears were really coming from..

And no, please don't start pointing your finger at hormones. These roots have been embedded long before hormones could have even pretended to be involved.

And there is nothing wrong with tears, I am not saying that either.

I just cannot believe I gave any more tears at all to something that really doesn't deserve them anymore, something that has taken too many from me already; robbing me of more constantly.

Tears are precious to me these days. I am over the overly emotional high school life that I once knew, and now I have to chose these tears wisely.

So much can be said without having to cry, and so much can be taken seriously when you aren't blubbering about every word that tries to come out of your mouth.

It just seems like tears aren't very grown up sometimes.

I don't just cry over anything anymore.. It has to actually be something worth crying for.

So when tears started to flow so rapidly I could not do a thing about it, I had to figure out why.. Why would I let them come when I thought they weren't welcome?

But I cry in frustration.

I cry when I honestly cannot think of one word to describe my feelings because there are so many swirling up there that even I am overwhelmed.

I cry when people hurt me.

I cry when I am at a crossroads and regardless of which road I choose to go down, I will get hurt.

Regardless of what I do it will be the wrong thing, and I am so frustrated by that, that I just cried.

Really hard.

Because I don't want to be the bad guy anymore.

I don't want to be the person who takes the blame, the person who just seems to always try and really.. Really I am just running in circles no matter how hard that trying might be.

I don't want to be this anymore.

Whatever this is, it really is a lot of things.. But all of it, all of this, really hurts.

And what's funny is the fact that no one can seem to see what I see.

Well, my Husband doesn't really count in things like this because its just too obvious that he would care and love me and always try to help me.. Because he does.. He always does..

People just don't see me.

They see the issue, but they cannot just see me.

They have painted this picture of who they think I am, who they think I've become, what they think I have dealt with, and then everything I do just tends to fall back to that.. 

They really don't even know me. That's the funny thing.

So yes, frustration is huge right now.. Possibly gigantic.

I have set my boundaries before. I have always known my boundaries, and some people are just going to have to respect the fact that I don't want to run in circles anymore.

I am literally dizzy, head hurting dizzy, from running in those stupid circles.

So say what you want, think what you want about everything I have just written, do whatever it is you want to do..

But I will not.. I will most certainly not be hurt anymore.

It's honestly funny how life can literally change in a 24 hour period.

And it's also funny that to some.. Life never seems to change at all.

Here I am moving forward, while others just tend to stay in one place, in one time, focusing on the same things...

But I will continually try to move forward.

I dare you to stop me.

I honestly dare you.