And Boy, Do I Need Your Help

Clearly there are things I could be doing right now..

But I have so much anxiety that I need to sit down and write.

I know it seems strange, but writing helps me, and possibly because once you get things on paper it is out of your head, free from becoming bigger than it needs to be.

I said a couple days ago that I was going to write everything down, to teach those who come after me, but hopefully to also teach myself when reading over this again...

If I ever do.

So yes, I might get personal.

Yes, you might stop reading this.

But I have to say what I know most of you are thinking.

Or have thought, at some point or another.

Sometimes I wish my life were different.

Sometimes I get so anxious about the future, so scared about what will happen to us, that I wish I could just pick up and leave.

Not the people, no I could never leave my people..

I just wish we could leave the decisions behind.

Right now we are at the beginning of making decisions that could change my Husband's career, our entire life, we could affect it so greatly.

We don't know where to go, where to start looking for a job, whether he should substitute teach in the meantime, whether we should live at home while we figure things out...

We don't even know if we will ever truly figure it out.

And I am terrified.

There is no money, there is no job prospect, there seem to be no jobs period, and our 30-day mark before we have to move again is coming faster than I would like it to.

I even emailed a friend who lives in an area we want to move to, being hopeful about her response and everything..

Could not have been more of a debbie downer email if it tried.

I honestly don't know how to respond, when her response was exactly what I didn't want to hear.

And to top things off, I have to go and look at the blogs of friends to pass the time.

They have homes, they travel to Bali, they are sewing in their free time...

And I am sitting here, avoiding cleaning, panicking about our bank account, while also trying to be loving and supportive to a Husband who has big decisions resting on his shoulder.

He wants to do whats right for all of us..

And I just want money.

How's that for selfish.

After marriage, we knew we were going to BYU-Idaho.

After Idaho, we knew we were coming to Vegas..

Now Vegas is almost over and we have no clue.

I feel like there was a constant stream of music in the background of our lives, and now all I hear is crickets.

Stupid, stupid crickets.

My Mom and I have said many times that anyone can stand on the edge of the cliff and talk about jumping..

But few people actually jump.

Well folks, we are on the edge of that horrible cliff..

We know we will be jumping soon, that is one fact that is actually a certainty at this moment.

But knowing you are jumping doesn't make it any less scary.

Please pray that someone will catch us.

Please pray that a miracle will happen.

Because right now, I really don't feel my prayers are being answered.

And maybe its because I'm way too emotional about it and I'm not really paying attention.. 

So maybe your perspective will help.

And boy, do I need your help.