Reality

There are some things that are complicated to put into words. Those feelings and thoughts are usually the most precious, and though people might know from experience with something they find similar, it could never fully be understood. I want this to be a journal of all my thoughts, regardless of whether they are good or bad, and so I will attempt to put my feelings down on paper whether I feel I will be able to or not.

I wasn't fully ready to get married before this weekend. You know those moments where you are almost watching your body and watching your words and hearing everything, but yet you are not fully there. You are not in your body. That's been me. I don't know how else to explain it, but I have been watching my body for 6 months. When watching your body, you still have control. I'm not saying I didn't know what I was doing, but none of it was really sinking in. None of it felt real. I felt like I would wake up at some point and realize none of it really happened, or that it had happened but definitely not like I was imagining it. I knew my body was doing the right things, I knew my feelings were real, I even knew what great blessings I was receiving and how good it all felt, but I was watching it all happen. I was watching my reality, but it wasn't sinking in. I kept waiting for my body to finally rejoin this reality it was watching, but I really couldn't do anything about it. I would just sit in bed at night and re-play my day and my experiences, feeling somewhat removed. I wasn't really ready to get married because I don't think I really could embrace the importance of that one word. I don't think I fully understood.

To be honest, I don't think anyone is ever really ready for marriage. There is so much to learn through the years that it would be a boring life if you knew everything from the start. I would look at married couples and could never fully understand the caring that was involved there because it all seemed so natural. You know, how some wives have dinner ready for the moment her husband arrives. Or, an ironed shirt on the bed waiting for them when they come out of the shower. I just thought, well, if he has two hands why doesn't he do it himself... because, well, no one had ever done that sort of stuff for me. Selfless. I knew marriage was selfless, but exactly how selfless were you really able to be when we should all be worried about ourselves? Not exactly the mindset for marriage, but seemingly the mindset for the majority out there. It wasn't making sense. I knew I loved Rob, I knew I would do anything for him.. but completely selfless when my feelings matter too? It just wasn't making sense.

Every weekend I felt my body grow more and more attached to the incredible man before me, a feeling my mind is literally not able to describe. You would think that after doing this schedule of ours for so long we would be used to it by now, but I still get nervous every Friday to see him... like he could've changed drastically throughout the week and I wouldn't recognize him or something. This past weekend was no different, but when we hugged I felt something change. I didn't say anything at that moment, but throughout the weekend I just felt different. I kept trying to put my finger on it. By Sunday I had explained this to Rob and we had the most wonderful discussion. While driving home that night, through the tears that always come when having to leave him, I realized my body had finally come into this reality of mine. I was no longer watching it all unfold, I was actually living it. I could feel every single emotion of adoration and love for Rob. I could feel every single sorrow that comes with separation, but mostly, I could feel the extreme joy and unwavering commitment that comes with marriage. I don't know how, I don't know why, but as of Sunday, I was finally ready for this next step. Throughout the weekend I cooked for Rob, I was cheery and supportive and everything that you should be. Not because I felt that those actions fit that pre-determined rule book for a marriage, but because I wanted to. I wanted to do things for him. It wasn't forced, I didn't make myself become that selfless that I speak of.. but in a matter of a week everything changed. Yes, he has two hands, but so do I. Yes, we should be worried about our feelings and our personal happiness but that is nowhere near as important as worrying about his. The cool part? He worries about mine. He is constantly making sure I am taken care of and I am happy and I have water and food, and even lets me pick the ice cream we get. He gives me his bed so I don't have to sleep on the couch. He carries practically every thing for me and gets mad when I don't let him open the door. He tells me when I am being ridiculous and gives gospel guidance when I am too emotional to see the bigger picture. He knows the true meaning of selfless.. and I can finally say that I do too. Understanding that concept completely is so vital. I have probably said this so many times, but there was an older woman whose hair I used to cut while in beauty school. She said something to me that refuses to leave my brain, and for good reason. She had been married for something close to 50 years and I asked her what her secret was..

"Sometimes I carried him, sometimes he carried me, and sometimes we both carried each other, but no matter what someone was always carrying someone."

I know I am not perfect, and obviously there will be times that that is very apparent, but I sure try my best to make the most of this little life I have been given. I'm not saying I am an expert at this selfless love thing because I have a lot to learn, but I can definitely say I am an expert at carrying Rob and I know that desire will always remain. I think that's a good start to selfless, because even though he might have two legs, why make him wear them out when I have two pretty good ones myself. I can finally say I am ready to be everything I can for him and want nothing but his happiness, knowing that mine will not be far behind based off the joy that comes through loving and caring for him. It is incredible the change of perspective I have, and how good it feels to finally be living this reality. I feel, I know, and I believe that the path I am on and the person I am with is exactly what the Lord wants for me. It is so good to finally feel that, and looking at his handsome face just confirms those feelings. Love is constantly changing and growing. My grandpa once told me has has been married to 4 different woman because throughout the years people do nothing but change. This relationship of ours has definitely changed as of this past weekend, and just thinking about that brings tears to my eyes. Oh, what a wonderful life... and oh, what a fantastic future.