Sooner Or Later It Will Sink In

I honestly don't know what my problem is today.

Maybe it has something to do with the weather.. because, well let's face it, it is sort of crummy outside and that tends to showcase itself in more things than just the weather..

Or so it seems.

And yes, I know what my problem is.. This isn't a matter of having to dig deep. I just don't know why this is all the sudden happening..

Ok, well.. I guess I know the answer to that too.

Last night I had my Baby Shower.

The McCormick family threw it for me and you could not get a better family.

I was so grateful for the generosity in doing that and what a perfect way to be reminded that you are truly more blessed than you think you are than to be the center of attention for one night.

What a perfect time to know you have wonderful people surrounding you.

I honestly was so surprised that people even showed, let alone were extremely generous.

So thank you to all of those who came and supported me in this new adventure... I truly am blessed more than I am able to comprehend.

And comprehending that has been an emotional battle this week.

We are just surrounded with the most incredible family. Sometimes I just get extremely overwhelmed with everything I have been blessed with throughout my life...

And just when I think I can wrap my brain around it, something happens to remind me that it will always be overflowing.

This is a big moment for us and having our family is helping this transition go a little smoother.

Which brings me back to my problem.

I think it is just a problem in my mind because no one ever talks about real feelings out loud, so to me, I am feeling completely out of place.

Today we went to Baby's R Us.

I got gift cards, and we do not have one near us, so we thought we would take advantage of it.

Talk about an overwhelming store.

You could not possibly fit any more baby supplies into that warehouse looking thing, and trust me, they have literally thought of every gadget imaginable.

It's ridiculous.

So here I am... In that store.. Thankfully with my Mother.. And I could only think one thing..

I am not ready for this.

I was being asked questions about car seats, stroller debates.. which soaps to get.. Bath tub sponge or no..

And literally I could only think about the fact that I am not ready.

These months have gone by so fast, and this is such a big big big life thing.. and all I hear is how difficult these next months are going to be.. and I just want to start going backward.

We literally are set for baby. We don't need to purchase anything else.. He could come tomorrow and we would be completely prepared physically..

But emotionally?

Wow.

I over think everything, it is how I have always been, and over thinking just seems to suit me. It makes me feel better and helps so I can go through every option beforehand.

So yes, I know I am most likely over thinking things..

I just don't feel ready for this.

And please don't tell me that everyone has felt this way, because I am sure it is more common than people have been admitting..

I just remember thinking about this day, and thinking about this adventure.. Why was it that in my thinking I was so much farther in life?

I just seemed smarter in those memories, and none of this seemed to scare me as much as it does now.

I guess that goes to show you the problems with Hollywood.

So here I sit, starring at the most adorable car seat (you would love the colors)... Yes, I am taking a deep breath... possibly two.. and yes, I will get up from this chair and just keep plugging and go to work and push these raw emotions aside because I know I am capable...

But in this moment, I am terrified.

I am so blessed, I have an incredible family and wonderful friends.. But I am just plain old terrified.

This next year will be a hard year; a growing year.

So I guess I better grow some hair on my chest and get some good armor... Because there's obviously no turning back now and I am capable.

I know I am perfectly capable.

I just need to keep telling myself that.

Sooner or later it will sink in..

Nibble On This One For A Bit

Many of you have mentioned books being in my future. 

I am not mentioning this to toot my own horn, even though sometimes that can be fun... I am mentioning it because I have seen it in my future for years. 

Ideas come and go, some better than others, but mainly all just ideas. 

I decided, maybe just a month ago, that I needed to stop putting myself in a box. 

I needed to stop with the plots, stop with the character development before I even have a plot, and just write. 

That's honestly when I get my best "attitude" or "personality" across through my words... And personality is what gets people. 

Anyways... I have lifted the box and I have just started to write, editing away, making sure there is direction in that editing... but not editing the flow. 

The flow is very important. 

So here is a taste.. Here is my latest introduction to the ever changing, all too many, ideas floating around in my head. 

It might change tomorrow, it might even change the second I submit it...

But I like feedback. 

I crave it in fact.. 

Nibble on this one for a bit. 

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Diary (Or whatever else I should be saying),

Holidays seem to bring out the best in people. It really doesn’t matter who, or what even, but give a family a holiday and you are sure to get an adventure. Although, I guess that could potentially only apply to my family. Funny how you seem to think things are written strictly in stone, across the board for everyone, just because you personally have experienced it. Almost like, because you have seen things, then surely everyone is just like you, seeing the exact same thing. I guess that’s the egotistical side of me talking, just assuming everyone is like me, because well… They are, or at least pretty close, in a round about way. When you have this many humans in one place, with as many problems as we seem to have, then yes, surely they must all want to be perfect like me, or at least have perfect lives like me; a perfect family like me… Perfect, perfect, perfect, right?

I hope you can sense the sarcasm here because it is literally oozing from every finger as I sit and try to tell you my story, whatever story that might be, because at the moment, I have no idea what to say in here. I've never come close to journals before. They seem to make people cry, and I vowed at 12 that I would never let tears see my face again. I keep my vows. 

No, I am not bold enough to think you would even want to know my story, nor do I think you would care enough to even still be reading, but I think every story must be told and every story has something to learn from it. Possibly, the lesson could just be for me and even if that was the case, then this could be considered a success. So I am sitting here, writing my feelings down in this little tiny journal thingy, writing my experiences down or however this is supposed to work, and really, even I am thinking this is pointless. I honestly feel like all your eyes are on me at this very moment, letting me know you think this is stupid too. But you would be at least be trying to write if your Grandmother’s life depended on it. And not the depending on it in the sense that my Grandmother’s life is at stake or that she might be dying, because honestly my Grandmother is fine and I just like to over exaggerate my feelings sometimes. It’s really just me. It’s me who needs the life perspective and the learning and the growing. It just so happens that it is her who is almost forcing me to grow up, and when someone literally shouts in your face to grow up, even if that someone might be frail and old and wise so you feel bad and you think you have to listen, you would just listen anyways. There is something about shouting that really makes anyone listen. I guess it also doesn’t hurt that she shoved this shiny journal at me in the process. I have been known to have a thing for anything shiny.

Although, I guess it’s about time that I grow up. I mean, I am turning 30 tomorrow and that has to mean something… I just didn’t think it would come this fast. In fact, I think my running-away-from-ever-wanting-to-be-close-to-growing-up attitude has all been in an effort to push this exact birthday away from existence. This must be proof I wasn’t too good at that, because here it is… Less than 24 hours away from me and I cannot do a thing about it. No matter how stubborn I might be though, I am grown-up enough to know when it’s finally time to stop the games, no matter how fun some of them have been over the years. I just don't think I need as much changing as that yelling tone of Grandma seemed to implicate. I honestly cannot be that bad. 

I know my body is officially in the adult phase of life, now let’s just try to get my mind to feel the same way, to get fully into that same zone... None of this half-way stuff that hasn't seemed to get me far. Regardless, welcome to this really weird brain of mine that over thinks everything in front of it, seems to have the strangest social life, and clearly no grandchildren to add to my mothers most prized picture wall, although her mentioning it billions of times isn’t really rushing me. I am thirty, I am single, I love being single, and no man could handle what they would be getting into… And that is not just me I am talking about, though that’s a lot to handle on its own, it is my family too. We are a full package, very very full.

I haven’t even gotten past the first entry and I already hate this journal thing. Emotions aren’t pouring out like people seem to think they do. Shiny or not, I really don’t think this is helping. There are so many other productive things I could be doing right now, like watching television… Or playing with my dog… Yes, I know, I really have nothing else I could be doing.

Ready or not, I am here to learn my “lesson of life” and I dare you, journal, diary, whoever the heck you are to me. I honestly dare you to change me.

This could potentially be fun Grandma, even though you gave me a time limit. Who can honestly put a time limit on pent up frustrations and emotions and love? Aren’t those things supposed to just come naturally? But try telling that to an Italian. Grandma is giving me a year, and I doubt she would budge on that one. Remember the yelling?

So, operation change-in-365-days-if-you-so-dare, we’d better get started fast because apparently we have some work to do…

And maybe that work just needs to be focused on Grandma’s anger.

Always, Magnolia

Food Is Beautiful When You Are In California

 

I found this picture on my computer from when we were first married and I thought it expressed our moods perfectly...

We are officially in California.. 

And that means that Robert is done with finals...

And that much closer to graduation!

However, we have now been here since Friday and this is all we've seen... 

I guess you have to pick your battles though... I don't know whats worse - snow or rain?

I just like the fact that this might mean we will have a cold Christmas. 

Christmas just doesn't seem to be Christmas when it's 80 degree weather.

Although I guess that just sounds completely ungrateful - some people would love to see 80 degree weather in December.

Regardless, I am so happy to be here and to be with family and to be eating incredile.. 

FOOD!! 

Oh, how I have missed California Food. 

Last time we were here it was such a fast trip that we didn't get to eat everywhere we wanted to, so I am making it mandatory that we get every type of food available to us. 

Food is beautiful when you are in California.

The Official Countdown Begins

Today, sometime... we really don't know when... but Today.. 

We are California Bound! 

I cannot believe that it is that time again.. 

Mainly because I feel like we were just in the car for Thanksgiving, or also because this year has just flown by faster than you can catch it. 

I realized yesterday that I only have a handful of Sundays left being pregnant.. 

I was getting so frustrated with dresses to wear, but what's the point? There are only so many Sundays I will have this baby sharing every outfit with me.. 

And no, please don't comment about the spit-up taking over... I have already mourned over that..

But our laundry is all ready, the dishes are clean but not put away just yet.. and I have actually made a dent in the ironing, surprisingly enough.

Now we just hold our breath to get Robert through the last two tests.. The two he seems most worried about..

Regardless, this has been such an incredible semester for him. He has worked so hard, gotten the grades to prove it, and is just feeling more invincible when it comes to this college thing.. 

Which could not make me happier.

And you can see it on his face.

You can see that he is really happy and really proud of what he has accomplished.

I can honestly say this has been his best semester yet.. If only I could really help you guys see it too, to see his transformation, then you would be just as proud as I am.

The man has been through so much, and yet, he keeps plugging along and pushing for better.

This is exactly why I love him.

So when he does finally walk through our front door, and we are finally ready to leave, it will be well worth it because he deserves a break.

A major break.

A real break... a decent, almost 3 week break.. 

And the trek starts today..

First to see these lovelies tomorrow.. 

And then come Christmas Eve we make the trek down to my family. 

Gosh how I have missed our families. 

Thanksgiving was such a teaser, it honestly annoyed me.

Just when we were settled and enjoying our families like we had never left... It was time to leave again.

I am so looking forward being with everyone for more than 3 days.

Just hanging out and soaking in our families... It will be much needed. 

So here we come families, there's no turning us away now! 

The official countdown begins!

Carson Would Be Oh So Proud

This baby is certainly taking over! 

And just when I think my stomach cannot possibly get any bigger... I am continually suprised.

I figured it was about time that I do the belly shot, as well as talk about how the pregnancy is going.

I talk about myself too much on here, however, maybe that's me just holding on to the last piece of selfishness I will see for awhile..

So about this baby of ours.

I have officially reached the point where I want him out. 

Like, right now. 

There is hardly any room for me to breath and hardly any sleeping positions that I can stay in for long... He is just getting plain uncomfortable.

 I am also just so amazed at the fact that he is actually in there.. I honestly cannot believe he is still fitting.

And when I come on to my blog and see my little ticker letting me know how much time is left... I am sort of at a mix of emotions.

I am either thinking about how fun it will be to put a face to the boy I have been imagining, or about how much school stuff I have to get done and how his room isn't even close to ready yet.. 

There's just so many things going on in my head, possibly because I am just a little scared to think about the day he will actually be here.

I honestly think it is just like marriage though.

No one ever knows what they are getting into.

And no one is ever truly ready.

If we all waited for that perfect moment where we thought everything was perfect and where we knew we were fully ready... Well, none of us would ever do anything, because really, who is ever truly ready?

He moves constantly now too. 

It used to be where it was only certain times of the day, but I even think he moves in his sleep.. At least he must, or else we already have an insomniac and he isn't even out yet. 

You can even watch my stomach and see where he is perched, or where he is pushing.. 

It's the craziest thing to watch because it looks like a little alien is taking over or something.

He loves when I sleep on my right side. 

In fact he even gets in that laying position before I am even ready for bed, almost letting me know that he is tired. 

Oh, and I am obsessed with Peanut Butter Captain Crunch right now.

So when Baby Boy Brantingham asks me later in life what I craved the most during pregnancy... I will have to settle on cereal, Captain Crunch cereal.

Today we went to the Doctor and had to get an ultrasound to follow-up on some problems detected earlier.

He is so big now that we could barely see him on the screen, let alone make out whatever it was on the screen.

Thankfully we do not have to have a c-section like originally thought... That is, if everything goes as planned in the birthing room of course. 

And thankfully the little guy's head is where it needs to be too. 

One more thing to check off the list of things we don't have to worry about.

I like "don't worry" lists.

We also found out that our little guy is in the 85th percentile. 

I don't know much about these things, and obviously they cannot be sure with him in there and not out here.. but it certainly got Rob and I thinking.. 

Do we have a giant baby on our hands?

Rob isn't the tallest guy... I am not the tallest gal (like not even close).. 

But could our baby possibly outgrow us?

Seriously, how hysterical would that be if there was a random height gene in there somewhere?

Like, a 6'3 - 6'7 random height gene.

Our Giant Baby shooting hoops in the NBA.

Carson would be oh so proud.

(Or jealous.. same thing..)

The Brantingham Bums Are Finally Smiling

I try really hard to be a smart shopper.

This is obviously the first kitchen I have had to stock, the first home I have had to furnish.. The first printer that new ink didn't just miraculously appear in.. 

And the printer paper... Good grief did I have absolutely no idea how much paper you can go through while attending school. 

You really don't think about these little blessings when you are living at home, you almost just expect them. 

Obviously I have realized on countless occasions how incredibly blessed I am, but for some reason it hit me while I was preparing my bowl of Life cereal the other day. 

I love Life, I just don't love it when there is no sugar.. I guess that completely defeats the purpose, but that's just how I am. 

I poured the bowl, poured in the milk, went for the sugar... 

There was no sugar. 

Not even an ounce that you could shake out. 

I missed my mother right then. 

She would have never had, and still doesn't have, an empty sugar bin. 

So anyways... I try to be a smart shopper. 

When going down the isles of the grocery store, I try to pick the best deals. 

To be honest, I like having my husband with me because he does math in his head far better than I do... Even calculating which one will cost the least based off the price per ounce. 

I get what it is he does, I just don't really like standing there trying to figure it out... Math has never been my strong suit. 

Some times, well most the time, the better deal tends to be the "knock-off" brands. 

I honestly can never tell the difference except when taking out my wallet, and so the "knock-offs" are typically what fill our cabinets. 

There are, however, some things that just cannot be "knock-offs"... 

You guessed it. Our toilet paper. 

I do not care how much less, or how much I might be saving, because you end up making up for that with the rashes you get in the process. 

We bought some toilet paper at Wal-Mart a couple months ago, and when we buy it, we buy it in major bulk. 

It saves, and it lasts. 

When we started using the stuff, both of us made comments about how much we were going through.. or how thin it was to use.. or just how we plain didn't like it.

But we had a lot of it.. and I mean a lot.. So we sort of just got used to it. 

We were at Sam's Club last month and decided to pick up some more toilet paper because our supply was finally starting to run low. 

Well... Yesterday was the first day of gold, the day we realized exactly what we had been missing out on.

Ladies and gentlemen, never pinch when it comes to toilet paper. 

I honestly don't know how I made it that far without this glorious cotton. 

It honestly feels like a bunny.

The softest, cutest, fluffiest little bunny.

The Brantingham bums are finally smiling.

I Honestly Dare You

It is funny how 24 hours can alter things so drastically.

Even just a couple hours actually... One moment you can be fine, then you get a phone call.. news.. door rings.. whatever it might be.. and in that moment everything can change instantly.

And typically, if you are analyzing the situation to that point, its always for the worse..

No one ever talks about how things instantly change for the better.

Well.. Maybe they do.. But not very often..

Anyways.. The point is..

The point is that I am at a crossroads.

I am at a crossroads and I cannot believe I even cried about it because I swore, yes I really did swear, that I wouldn't.

It was a good cry though.. Like, a really good cry. The kind that takes everything out of you to the point where when you finally calm yourself down you realize that even if someone died in front of you, there would be nothing left for them.. Not even one tear.

Heartless, I know.. But we have all been there.

Then when that good cry is over you sit thinking about what the heck started it in the first place.. or where the tears were really coming from..

And no, please don't start pointing your finger at hormones. These roots have been embedded long before hormones could have even pretended to be involved.

And there is nothing wrong with tears, I am not saying that either.

I just cannot believe I gave any more tears at all to something that really doesn't deserve them anymore, something that has taken too many from me already; robbing me of more constantly.

Tears are precious to me these days. I am over the overly emotional high school life that I once knew, and now I have to chose these tears wisely.

So much can be said without having to cry, and so much can be taken seriously when you aren't blubbering about every word that tries to come out of your mouth.

It just seems like tears aren't very grown up sometimes.

I don't just cry over anything anymore.. It has to actually be something worth crying for.

So when tears started to flow so rapidly I could not do a thing about it, I had to figure out why.. Why would I let them come when I thought they weren't welcome?

But I cry in frustration.

I cry when I honestly cannot think of one word to describe my feelings because there are so many swirling up there that even I am overwhelmed.

I cry when people hurt me.

I cry when I am at a crossroads and regardless of which road I choose to go down, I will get hurt.

Regardless of what I do it will be the wrong thing, and I am so frustrated by that, that I just cried.

Really hard.

Because I don't want to be the bad guy anymore.

I don't want to be the person who takes the blame, the person who just seems to always try and really.. Really I am just running in circles no matter how hard that trying might be.

I don't want to be this anymore.

Whatever this is, it really is a lot of things.. But all of it, all of this, really hurts.

And what's funny is the fact that no one can seem to see what I see.

Well, my Husband doesn't really count in things like this because its just too obvious that he would care and love me and always try to help me.. Because he does.. He always does..

People just don't see me.

They see the issue, but they cannot just see me.

They have painted this picture of who they think I am, who they think I've become, what they think I have dealt with, and then everything I do just tends to fall back to that.. 

They really don't even know me. That's the funny thing.

So yes, frustration is huge right now.. Possibly gigantic.

I have set my boundaries before. I have always known my boundaries, and some people are just going to have to respect the fact that I don't want to run in circles anymore.

I am literally dizzy, head hurting dizzy, from running in those stupid circles.

So say what you want, think what you want about everything I have just written, do whatever it is you want to do..

But I will not.. I will most certainly not be hurt anymore.

It's honestly funny how life can literally change in a 24 hour period.

And it's also funny that to some.. Life never seems to change at all.

Here I am moving forward, while others just tend to stay in one place, in one time, focusing on the same things...

But I will continually try to move forward.

I dare you to stop me.

I honestly dare you.

Make It A Very Good One

Winter does funny things to people. 

I wish I could pinpoint what those funny things actually are, but the only one sticking out in my mind at the moment is the fact that they can't seem to drive. 

Well, I really can't drive in it either.. but at least I try and go the speed limit.

I remember when we first moved here, laughing about the fact that the speed limits are about 25 mph on every street you go down. 

All it takes is slipping once to realize the point behind that.

My Husband and I had an interesting experience last week while traveling home from California.

I don't know why, but this morning I got to thinking back on it...

While driving him to school it was extremely foggy.

Had we been out any earlier I guarantee you wouldn't have been able to see the road... and it just brought me back to our trip.

A trip that normally takes us about 16 hours to do, took about 3 days to do, due to the terrible storm conditions.

And us naive little Californians just kept driving through it, thinking it would let up at some point.

It was Sunday night, Rob had school Monday morning.. and we had every intention of getting home.

It took us about 10 hours to get from St. George, UT to Salt Lake City... it really was ridiculous.

We most likely passed about 15 accidents in that time frame as well, nothing but cars off the side of the road due to driving too fast.

Every time we passed an accident we would talk about how stupid the driver must be, how clearly every one knows that steady wins the race, and how lucky they were to not be hurt... But how stupid they must feel with all these cars laughing at them.

Yeah, we are really great people.

It was probably about 11ish when we were driving through the main freeway system of Salt Lake City. We were most likely going about 60 mph, and the roads were just getting worse and worse... But we were talking and having a great conversation.. one I barely even remember though..

All the sudden our car looses its traction, something that I am sure has happened to many people who reside in winter wonderlands... But it has never happened to us as bad as it did.

We were swerving and sliding.. in the end going over 4 lanes of the freeway.

Nothing I say will bring us back to that moment perfectly.. So just trust me, it was really bad.

My Husband could not have maneuvered the car any better, and thank heavens there was no one around us..

You know, because all the people were actually smart and in their beds and not even trying to fight a storm that clearly could not be fought.

At that point, we knew it was time to stop for the night.. and it was so hard actually getting off the freeway.

You know its bad when plows aren't even trying anymore.

The side streets were even worse.

When we were finally in a safe parking structure of a safe and wonderful hotel (thank you parents).. we just started laughing.

I know, how could you possibly laugh at something like that?

But we did. And we couldn't really stop.

And it wasn't that nervous laughter where you are so glad to be on solid ground, even though that was probably intermixed somewhere.. It was just good laughter.

The rest of the night while we were trying to sleep, there would be a moment of silence broken by one of us laughing and recapping the event of near death.

The reason I am writing this down? Or why I would even want to admit that we are terrible in a moment of crisis?

Laughter.

Thats why.

There have been moments where we haven't been able to laugh.

Like, not even close.

Moments where laughing is literally the last thing on my mind, and if anyone so dared as tried to be funny.. I just didn't want funny in my life.. because quite frankly, life just wasn't funny.

And I am not going to sit here and mourn about the fact that I am the only one who hasn't wanted funny in my life at one time or another, because I know you.. I know we have all seen those days before.

So this morning, while driving Rob to school and while looking at the fog.. It just reminded me that I have been in a weird fog this past week.

Fog is honestly the best way to describe some moods.

And thats when the laughter came into my head.

Here we had just almost crashed our car, almost had to shed who knows how much money, almost got injured seriously.. almost almost almost..

So we just laughed.

Call us insensitive.. Call us whatever you think might fit the description of someone who has no feelings..

But we were OK, so we just laughed.

I'm writing this down so I can remember it.

I'm also writing this down so you can be reminded...

There are some things in life we cannot control.. In fact, most things in life are that way..

People have their free agency, they have the right to choose, and some times.. most the time.. those choices don't coincide with what we want them to do.. or what we want them to say..

Because, of course, we know so much better.

Some times we chose to be offended.. or we choose to be rude.. or we choose to just ignore every feeling in life just to protest that we don't agree..

Or - its us.

It's our attitudes and our choices doing the damage..

Regardless, we cannot control what comes at us.. we can only control our reactions to those situations.

And why not laughter?

Why not laugh at the most inappropriate time when you just could have died?

Because life should be full of it.

Life should be full of moments where laughter is the only thing you can think of to do.

Life should be full of reasons to laugh.. even if they might be really odd and strangely out of line..

Life should be laughter.

Life should be filled with moments where we bring the joy out of everyone around us.. even if we don't feel too joyful ourselves.

I don't know if its true or not, but supposedly it takes more muscles to frown than to smile?

And I just recently watched "Eat, Pray, Love".. where a Guru encouraged the woman to smile from her soul.. that she would not be able to find reasons for doubt and unhappiness if she did so.

So try and smile from your soul today.

Try to lift the spirit of those around.

Try to actually just laugh.

Even if it isn't really that funny time yet.. Make it that funny time.

Because laughter, and happiness, and smiling... It makes those not so funny times easier to get through.

It makes so that you are looking at the world in a light filled with positive hope..

We could have crashed.. we could have been in a terrible situation that Sunday night.. Something certainly not worth laughing over..

Just like whatever problem we are dealing with in life.. It could be terrible.. It could potentially be the worst thing we have dealt with up until this moment..

But there is always tomorrow.

There is always a new day, whether we feel there should be or not..

And there are always reasons to be grateful, and reasons to be laughing..

So foggy day or not.. foggy week or not.. foggy year or not.. whatever one fits your boat.

Find a reason to laugh.

And make it a good one.

Make it a very good one. 

I Know It Will Be Sad When It's Our Turn To Go

Christmas just isn't Christmas without some sort of party. 

We really wanted to throw something fun, but with finals and everything, it had to be in the early parts of December.

So, really, it was a good way to start out the festivities.. Because quite frankly, all this holiday stuff is just getting too weird.. 

It really wasn't feeling like Christmas until after last night. 

So what is a Christmas party without some ugly sweaters and gag gifts??

Yeah, I know.. that would be a terrible party.

The Shirley's were so generous and let us use their living room.. no one would have fit in our home. 

Well, maybe not no one... Maybe like 3 people. 

So we said Ugly sweaters - and Ugly sweaters were certainly what we got... 

And don't worry - Jeff wore his to church today as well. 

We ran into these two at the DI getting sweaters.. so when we saw the masterpiece that they came up with for Kyle, we were super impressed. 

The lights would even twinkle for you. 

I loved that Shaleena paired hers with pearls.. Such a classy look for her.

Both homemade.. we had very dedicated party-goers.

And the winner of the night... even though us party throwers didn't even think to have prizes..

The McMurry's never fail to impress a crowd. 

This is why we love them so much. 

And just in case you cannot really see Matt's sweater.. Here is a good side shot.. 

Probably the best ugly sweater I have ever seen.

The school children's hair was even multi-dimensional... really enhancing the sweaters beauty. 

And of course.. I completely didn't think to take a picture of Rob and I and the beauty that our sweaters held. 

This was the best picture I could get of Mr. Robert because he was too busy constantly showing his sweater off.

Because of course.. so many were jealous of him..

I really think sometimes people don't know how to take him because he is so quiet in church.. and not so quiet at parties. 

We found our sweaters in the women's section of the DI. 

The whole night Rob kept making manly voice impersonations of the women who his sweater could possibly belong too..

Claiming that he will never wear it in public again, in fear that she would confront him and want it back.

The gag gift part really brought some of the personalities out as well.. 

The hot item of the night would have to be a tie between pooping Santa or his pooping reindeer... 

We were all jealous that the Camp's went home with their "matching set" at the end. 

And it never fails.. 

Every time I throw a party, there are always so many generous people offering to help out. 

Thanks to you party guests, we had some fabulous treats to kick off the season. 

It was really fun. 

It was fun to be outside of church, socializing and getting to know everyone that much better. 

And we are so sad to see the Johnson's and the Smith's leaving us.. 

We know the Johnson's will be coming back.. 

But the Smith's are off to bigger and better things.. Like a real job, whatever that is. 

It has been so great to get to know them, and we are just so lucky to be in the ward that we are in. 

It truly has made living in Rexburg such a blessing. 

I didn't think it would happen to me... 

But I know it will be sad when it's our turn to go. 

It Seems To Have Only Made Me Stronger

Yes, I know.. Slightly obnoxious... But wow does this picture make me laugh.

I think it pretty much sums up our trip to be honest.

We had way too much fun.

And what a hard life we lead... Visit family in southern Orange County.. Visit family in beautiful Santa Barbara County..

Then we come back to a high of 19.

I know its been ages since I have blogged, and there is way too much to say.. 

And there were so many times in the past couple of weeks where I would think something and then my blog would automatically pop into my head.. That's when you know I have crossed the line to blogger's brain.

I really don't even know where to start.

I have to load my photos on to photobucket before adding them to my page. 

Today, while looking for the perfect pictures to put on here for this post (hence the one above), I came across some that really made me sad.. 

My family is growing up too fast..

And yes, I actually did a masking night with them this trip.. Just like old times, except that my products have improved drastically.

But they don't even look like that anymore. 

Especially my little sister. 

She might still be petite, but that little girl face is gone completely.. And when she talks you almost forget her age. 

It's sort of creepy. 

And Avery, his voice has lowered so much.. 

And even though he wishes he still had that UCI sweatshirt that he wore constantly like it was attached to his skin.. He's not so little anymore either. 

In this picture only Carson is taller than me.. Now, all four of those boys have passed me up. 

Not that that is extremely difficult to do.. But they have seriously passed me up. 

And they have bicceps. 

What sister would ever be ok when her little brothers actually are defined and muscular??

Creepy. 

It's all super creepy.

And honestly.. Its super sad. 

I know that growing up is what happens, but it's not supposed to happen to them. 

My little brother will be in college this time next year. 

Another will be driving, and the other two will be able to go to church dances. 

Not that I see them going, but I certainly hope they try at least one dance, and even with at least one girl.

Then my sister will be in young women's. 

I remember that day.. and it honestly feels like yesterday.

Just like it was yesterday when this little guy entered our home. 

And now in a couple months he will be baptized. 

I know that pregnancy brings on the hormones like crazy, and I don't like to admit that I am ever affected by them, because of course I am not...

But I think, for me at least, it is bringing on absolute astonishment about the phases of life that we all go through. 

It hits me pretty hard sometimes actually. 

Just like it did being home.. and being at all these restaurants Rob and I used to go to while dating.. 

Seeing our families.. Seeing how big everyone is getting...

Seeing how big this belly of mine is getting.. and just the fact that in a matter of weeks this little one will be here.

Ok, so maybe months is more like it.. but when you say it in the form of weeks it just seems faster.. 

I just am in awe about life and the cycles we go through. 

Within each one we feel we know better than everyone around us.. 

And within each one we are quick to find we know absolutely nothing. 

It is extremely humbling to think that 30 years from now.. I still wont know a thing. 

Not one thing. 

 

When we got married a year ago, I honestly had no idea what marriage was.

In fact, sometimes it is fun to look back and read blog entries about my thoughts at the time. 

Sometimes I even cry at the naivety. 

And it is so strange to think that at the time, that was not even close to the adjectives I would have used to describe my demeanor. 

Now, a year later.. I find myself in the same exact place.. 

I know everything. I am ready for everything. I am scared of nothing. 

But yet.. I don't know anything.. and I am so scared of everything in front of me. 

My Grandpa, on Sunday, was talking to my little brother about the next 5 years in his life. 

I think he was quoting someone, or mentioning something someone said.. 

Honestly, I popped in late in the conversation.. 

But he was telling him, or reminding him.. or whatever.. that the next 5 years of his life will hold the biggest decisions he will ever make. 

A mission, college, what to major in, what he wants to do with his life, who he will marry.. 

That by the time he is done with all of those.. His life will be in front of him and it will just be a matter of completing the goals already set. 

This 5 year plan, or 5 years of importance.. will be from 18-23.

I'm 23. 

Why do I feel like my 5 years of importance is just starting?

Why do I feel like my decisions just keep getting bigger?

I honestly don't feel any more prepared for the life ahead of me. 

Well, except for the fact that I can make fabulous hot chocolate, and I do a mean laundry load... 

But honestly. 

I don't think life ever gets easier. 

I just think we have more experiences to help push us forward.

And when we are standing at a point where we think we have things covered..

The Lord steps in to remind us that we don't. 

So yes.. I am scared out of my mind to have this baby..

I am scared out of my mind to move again..

I am scared out of my mind about so many things.. 

Too many most likely.. 

But wow.. I have never been more prepared to fail.

Failure doesn't scare me anymore..

It seems to have only made me stronger.

I Love Fridays

I love Fridays. 

I don't know why, but Friday's will always be a favorite.. Even when I don't have a job or school or anything that makes the weekends seem more fun. 

Weekends are just fantastic. 

I guess it also doesn't help that today we make the trek to California to see all these wonderful people... 

Along with the wonderful Brantingham Clan.

From this time of the year and on, I just can't ever get enough of it. 

I love Thanksgiving.. I love Christmas.. I love family.. 

I love Fridays. 

This Has to Mean I am Feeling Better

This is what happens when you are sick for a couple weeks... 

This picture probably doesn't do the pile justice.. So trust me, its gigantic. 

I would also show the before picture of my kitchen, but we do not need my Mother worrying about every Martha Stewart thing she taught me. 

Trust me on that one too.. it's beautiful now. 

I really didn't want to lose any readers in this sickness process, but I figured neglect was better than a daily update on my healing process. 

Blogging is certainly a place for giving details about your life, but there has to be a line at some point. 

Good news is...

My Doctor finally put me on some Antibiotics, and I have been given the OK to use Tylenol PM for the rest of this pregnancy (phew.. its my favorite)... So hopefully this will knock this out of me for good. 

I don't want to be hacking on the Turkey on Turkey Day. 

I've had an interested couple of days this past week. 

It is funny how the older I get, the more I read into little things that are happening around me. 

I don't know if it's the fact that the older I get, the more speculative I become.. Or if it is truly me learning things about the world around me.. 

Or maybe I am just too emotional for my own good and just read into things too much..

Regardless, I think the Lord is out to teach me another lesson as I start this next chapter of my life. 

I haven't yet pinpointed what that might be, but today I have grown just a little bit further ahead from yesterday.. 

And it is all thanks to the wonderful random conversations I have had with women today. 

I truly love the women in my ward. 

They make this calling so fulfilling.. 

And they teach me things daily.

Like how I should constantly have a clean house, and always get in something besides pajamas when you plan on staying home because you never know who might be knocking at your door!

So I think I'll go fold that laundry now just in case... 

This has to mean I am feeling better. 

I Hope We Have Reached Our Quota

This little guy is going to be a joy, I just know it. 

But right now, it just seems like every time I turn around there is something wrong with my health. 

It's almost like he is taking over my body and he isn't even here yet.

From the first doctor's appointment, it just seems like there is always some "pre-caution" needing to be taken. 

I have always had weird health, but it's almost gotten comical with this pregnancy. 

The latest?

I'm always sick at this time of year. 

Same with poor Robert. 

It started with just some stuffiness, the common cold, the sensitive eyes that normally come with all that.. 

But then it was the lack of sleep, the incredible aches that wouldn't go away.. 

One night I literally slept from 5:30-6:45 am.. 

I tried the bath thing, the shower thing, yoga breathing thing.. Nothing was working. 

I literally could not sleep. 

Every time I laid down, it felt like the baby was in my throat, making breathing extremely hard. 

Then of course a slight panic attack would follow, just because all I could think about was my lack of breath. 

How can you close your eyes when you can barely breath?

Probably the worst night of my life so far. 

And that's not a joke. 

I went to the doctor that next day because it was just the straw that broke the camels back. 

There was no way that I would allow myself to have another night like that, and there was something wrong.. I just knew it. 

He listened to my breathing, told me to get some Tylenol PM (best thing ever), suggested some over the counter medicine for the coughing and stuffiness.. 

And then handed me a paper telling me when I needed to show up at the hospital for my heart exam. 

I have never had heart problems, but of course, this is just another one of the "pre-cautions"..

And as much as I love precautions, I am sort of getting sick of them. 

They just make so that you wonder if its a precaution you should be worried about, or one that you should just not think about, but you can't stop thinking about them just because they are usually serious things... 

Precaution is a terrible word. 

Especially when paired with heart murmur. 

So yes, I love this baby more than life itself and I don't even know him yet.. 

But this pregnancy is making for quite the adventure to get him here. 

It's almost like this terrible guessing game every time I go to the Doctor... 

What will it be this time?

I even get slightly panicked every time I see their number come up on my phone. 

So please start crossing your fingers for us because I still have 3 months to go.. 

And 3 months could be a terribly long time if anything else goes wrong. 

I honestly hope we have reached our quota. 

Not Fun

Sorry people, but there will be no pictures with this post today. 

I have had sickness knocking at my door, just waiting to come in.. And it seems that last night it finally found an open crack! 

I tried to make it through work today, came home on my lunch.. and just couldn't get back up. 

Sickness & pregnancy just do not mix well. 

It's my head, my throat, my exhaustion.. 

This is certainly not fun.

It Never Seems To Leave

It's registration time.. 

I cannot even believe it is already that time again. 

So we have been immersed in making sure Rob has all his classes.

And that not only does he have them all, but that everything is going like it should for graduation.

Only two more semesters. 

Of course, we have caught some problems... We have been fixing these problems..

We have had to turn in forms, call various places.. and do the follow-up as well so they have no choice but to remember us... 

And gosh.. will this degree of his give me a nasty ulcer by the time we are through.

I should be allowed to walk with him when the time comes.

In fact, I should really demand that I get a cap and gown too for all the effort that has to be put into just the particulars and organization and making sure the transcript office is on their toes.. 

So no, I have not had time to really blog about anything important because I am too busy worrying about our future.. 

But on my drives to and from picking him up.. I am really missing these trees.. 

It's only been like a week since I have seen them, but once winter hits... It hits fast.

And it never seems to leave.

Nature Just Hates Me

Robert is the type of student that has to be on time.

He hates walking into the classroom late, all eyes on him, everyone knowing that he was the late one.

I really dont blame him though, I hate that feeling too.

Its almost like you have to give the whole class an explanation so they wont just think you are the flaky one.

Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday he has a class that starts at 9am.

Early classes are not a hard thing for us..

In fact, the past billion of semesters he has had a class starting at 7:45am, so with the later hour we thought we were catching a break.

Wrong.

I start work at 9am.

We have only one car.

You can see how things can get a bit complicated.

So instead of just jumping in the car at 7:30am in my pajamas, getting to come home and fully get ready for my day.. I have to be completely ready before we take him, and we have to be a smidge early so that I am not late too.

I know its my fault. 

I have no problem taking the blame either.

Its just, for some reason or another, I cannot seem to make it out the door at the time we should.

And it really isn't even that hard.

I just seem to have a problem with it.. And everyone drives slow here..

So rather than just one of us being late, it ends up being both of us. 

And its always by slight mins.. Barely barely anything.. 

But still.. Late is late. 

And it drives Robert crazy. 

So I have been trying really hard to make sure this late thing doesnt define me anymore.

He challenged me to this, today being the tester... The first day on trial.

As soon as the alarm went off, I only layed in bed for a couple mins. instead of a lot of mins.

I took a shower last night, so that I would not have to this morning..

Essentially, allowing me more time to focus on my face to make sure people didnt know I didnt shower.

Robert even got to take a shower himself, without me hogging the bathroom continuously.

Everything was going perfectly.

I even knew what I was going to wear so that even that would cut back on time.

But no....

Nothing can ever go perfectly.

Especially on trial day.

See that red dot?

Yeah.. the thing that looks like the size of a pen head or something.

Apparently its a blood vessel.

The surface kind.

Fair skined people are prone to getting them and they usually just look like red freckles that sometimes are there and sometimes go away.

Honestly, they have never caused any problems for me.

This one in particular comes and goes at various times of the year, and I never thought twice about it.

Until last night..

I was minding my own business, taking my nightly shower, and decided I needed a good exfoliation.

The tiny crushed almonds have only ever improved my face, but last night, I might have scrubbed too hard?

I really have no idea.

Next thing I know, there is a dark something under my eye, and then blood was on my finger after wipping it away.

I just stepped out, held some toilet paper to it, and it went away pretty fast.

By morning, there was a slight scab over it, so I thought the worst was over.

I moisturized my face, bent over to get my makeup bag, and blood was dripping on the floor.

It literally was like I had a geiser of blood dripping down my face and onto the floor.

And though I do like to embellish my stories a bit.. This is definitely not one of those times.

I would hold toilet paper to my face and it would just completely soak through.

You would pull the tissue away for a second and it was like you had never had a tissue there in the first place.

It just kept coming and coming and coming.

It got all over my garmets, the tile, my arm, my hands, the sink... You should see the amount of tissue in the trash..

It was absolutely ridiculous.

And poor Robert.

Here he is, just taking his relaxing morning shower, when all the sudden I'm panicking.

He thought I needed stiches or something.

He started saying how we needed to go to the doctor, the Emergency Room.. something..

By this point, honestly all I cared about was getting him to school on time.

I refused to be late.

Especially on trial day.

But my face just wouldnt stop.

Rob held extreme pressure on it.. like really extreme..

And I called the medicine woman.

My Mother.

She suggested some salt mixture thingy..

I put that on, and with the combination of the pressure and the salt..

Miraculously it stopped.

And miraculously...

Rob was only like 4 mins. late.

So, I tried.

I really did try hard to make it on time today.

I just think nature is against Robert getting to school on time.

Maybe nature just wants him to overcome his fear of everyone starring..

Or maybe nature just hates me.

Yeah, thats gotta be it.

Nature just hates me.