Happy To Keep Him There

 

 Lately I've been thinking a lot about my Grandpa Mac. 

 This was the only digital picture I could get my hands on, thanks to facebook and some dear soul who decided to take the time to scan. 

Scanning seriously takes forever.

I felt it was very fitting though, seeing as he is in his kilt, fully dressed up, with my Grandma on his side.

Seeing this picture just brings back the fact that his posture was unlike anything you've ever seen. 

The man rode a bike with a perfectly straight back. 

Try it, it's actually really hard. 

But that was my Grandpa. Didn't matter the job, he completely dove into everything he did. 

He was such a hard worker.

And you can see that in his Son, my Dad. That hard working gene definitely lived through the generation.

My Grandpa died of Melanoma, some... 4 years ago now? You honestly lose track of dates like that. I think our brains do it purposely because you really don't ever want to bring yourself back to the exact day. A few years here and there is better.. Gives you a good buffer just in case emotions are still thick.

I am currently in this writing course. 

I honestly didn't know what I was getting myself into, just knew that I love to write, so why not perfect a certain craft.. why not refine a bit. 

The entire semester is based around one project.

Just one.

Just one paper. Mind you, I am scared to even ask how long this paper should be. Just the research alone has been an eye opener as to the parameters of what this professor expects.

The topic had to be something good, something that I could be passionate about and actually enjoy researching. You know, something that would actually make me like the library hours and bring on the mass amounts of pages without having to stress too much. 

So, I chose my Grandpa. 

More specifically, I chose skin cancer. 

And even more specifically, I chose Melanoma.

I don't know why, how even after all these years, something like that would interest me the way it has lately. I feel like I am closer to him, like I understand that last year better, and therefore, understand him better. 

I dont know how researching the sickness that took him would make me feel good.. But it does. It is bringing me so much peace.

It's bringing me back my Grandpa.

It's bringing back memories, not even the bad ones of the actual illness, but just memories of him. It's helping me remember what he was like, helping his legacy to live within me I guess.

I have found myself reciting stories to my Husband, who never knew him, hoping that it will help him know him.. and then help him love him just as much as I do, or just even to have a grasp on who he was in the first place.

Gosh, I love that man. For being such a complex creature, one of very few words, but of such high command over a room.. I just love him. 

His posture, his kind words, his funny stories of his military days.. even the sad stories of the military days.. His love for the world, his poor choice of words when he was upset.. making the upset part more comical than he ever intended it to be.. His banter with my Dad, as odd as that one sounds.. It was really funny to listen to sometimes.. His ability to fix things, his stubbornness, his garden, his callused hands to prove that he really was the hard worker we all thought him to be, his hugs, his strength, his smile... 

His respect for women. 

His love for his Wife. 

We always try to remember those who have passed on. We all have our different way of doing so.. But just the remembrance is what matters.

Though I might be brought back to him through researching, you could be brought back to your loved one by cooking, or reading.. Or just even hearing their favorite song.

It's incredible how the mind holds onto those things, how it attaches emotions with certain events and never lets go. Every single time you hear that one slow song, or you smell that one candle, or you bring out that one recipe... Your mind brings you back to that moment, that exact moment, and the emotions come back like they never left in the first place.

Strong emotions, both good and bad, always seem to leave an imprint on your heart. It doesn't matter how many years pass, you can still feel them, and they still creep up when you least expect them to. 

I guess I just wasn't expecting these emotions to creep up right now. 

But I am actually glad they did. 

Melanoma research or not, my Grandpa will always hold a special place in my heart. 

And I am happy to keep him there.